Youth Ministry at Thirty

When I was in college, I spent two summers interning under the same youth pastor. I learned a lot during those two 3 month periods, but there is one memory that particularly sticks out: one day, as he faced the complications that come with balancing the competing demands of his ministry and family life (as a father of three) he looked at me and said:

This is why most guys my age get out of the game.

A few years later, I visited my undergraduate alma mater (Moody Bible Institute), to recruit some energetic college students to volunteer in my own youth ministry. And I sat in a youth ministry methods class and heard the head of the department entreat his students to stick in youth minstry for the long haul, saying:

I was a better youth pastor at 30 than I was at 22, and a better youth pastor at 40 than I was when I was 30.

Now I am old

As I start to live the life of the 30 year old youth pastor, I am recognizing the wisdom from both of these men. When I started out in youth ministry, I could get by on sheer will. I had fewer demands on my time, and I had tons of energy to spare. My enthusiasm and “coolness” could cover a multitude of sins (or so I thought). Youth ministry felt natural; it was hanging and having fun with teenagers and then talking about God.

But now I am facing all new challenges. I have two kids of my own at home. Kids who don’t get to see their dad before falling asleep on Sunday and Wednesday nights. I need significant amounts of caffeine in order to get through All Nighters. I am, by all accounts, less cool and less fun than I was 8 years ago when I started my professional youth ministry career. I find less and less in common with the students that I am ministering to. Is it time to just read the writing on the wall and give in to the facts: 30 year olds just can’t keep up with teenagers?

Manbabies

At the advent of this, my new youth ministry blog, I assume you can guess my answer that question. But why? Where do I get the hubris to fight the natural order of pastoral ministry?

Youth pastors are typically seen as theologically educated manbabies (I say manbabies, because on top of a weird ageism in youth ministry, there is very real sexism. I am using the term pejoratively). We think of the best youth pastors as energetic men who will teach youth about Jesus – and are allowed to do so only because they are functionally teenagers themselves; legal adults who have the maturity and tastes of the 17 year olds that they minister to.

As I look back in my time as a young youth pastor, I don’t see glory days when I was better at my job. In fact, I see more cringeworthy moments where I was really bad at my job. Moments where I was careless, or where I missed opportunities. Where my own pride meant that I insisted that I needed to be the teacher, and students missed opportunities to learn and be discipled by adults who would have done a better job.

My former professor was right – I am significantly better at my job now. I am slower to act. I am more likely to be selfless. As I got older it became more difficult for me to function as a friend to my students, which has forced me to try to embrace the role I should have been embracing all along: mentor.

I don’t mean to disparage young youth pastors. There is a real value and blessing in what you can do when you are 24. But that is a short season of life, and as I get older I realize that the more I try to pretend that I am still that age, the less I get to live into all the great gifts that my current age affords.

That isn’t to say the pastor I interned under wasn’t also correct: there are lot of challenges. Challenges that keep you from functioning like the theological manbaby. Challenges that make you work incredibly hard to both give of yourself to your students and your family.

For me, those challenges are mitigated by a shift into a different kind of youth ministry.¹ Youth ministry that is about mentoring and equipping reather than befriending. There is still fun, and I still really love spending time with my students. But I’m not leaning on that fun anymore.

Maybe instead of wishing we all had the energy of a 20 year old, youth pastors should all wish we had the maturity of a 40 year old. That’s what I’m trying out. I’ll let you know how it works out.